Dear Diary

Sept. 8th, 2011
12:57am

Its been pretty much the same every night this week! I get in bed, pull the covers over my head and I just lay here! I read everyones bbm status, then I go on twitter to see what I've missed for the day, Go To User @ Each Cool Kid on The Block, Laugh it up, RT some old ish and then I just lay here again! Waiting for the same thing to come to mind "Where Has The Time Gone" "What's My Five Year Plan" "What's Next For Me"... I've never been so confused in my life... After College I had it all planned out, teach for a year, save a few dollars, move to LA, become a star. Yup just how I planned it but that DREAM some how got derailed say around the "Young Chris" Era... Chris was my guy at the time nope he wasn't at the Top of the Charts but he was doing well for himself one of the most genuine people I ever met, we had fun together and to my parents maybe it was too much fun a flight to ATL on Friday, in MIA by Monday back to LA for acting class on Thursday. No Job, No Children, just me & my girls him & his boys oh and of course the wind... It came to a point where booking my next flight became my focus it wasn't about Chris anymore, it wasn't about Brooklyn, Forget acting class who needs classes, it wasn't even about me I was just moving... Time slowed me down, money started to slow up, friends just weren't who they portrayed themselves to be and like Jay-Z said "From Brooklyn to Hollywood and Back again..." Brooklyn raised me so I wasn't ever afraid to come back home but when I planted my feet and Jasmine was entering grad school, Kenya was finishing grad school, Samantha was getting promoted, Shyah was working for Kimora, my team had grown and I just didn't feel there was a place for me... All of the ppl who came to visit me in LA and was comfortable with just living the fast life for a weekend were emerging Queeda had a little girl and Aocean had a little boy, my college roommate was married... I looked at myself and said "WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE"... I'll admit I've done some things and been some places, I can tell some stories that some people will never have the pleasure of telling... Like the time I appeared on television, or the mere fact that I obtain my degree, heck I got up and move across the country, some haven't even dined at a 5 star Restaurant, what about the time we flew from NY to Cleveland for one night went shopping, attended Lebrons bday party and left the following day, I shared a room with President Obama & his family, I stood in front of Bukingham Palace and the list goes on... But I must ask myself whats next, when the one who was suppose to be your college sweetheart tells you he's planning to marry that very girl that lived across campus that he cheated on you with, or when the young boy who snuck his way into your heart, doesn't have the same look in his eyes after two years, when the older fellas are just too boring and the young ones are just too dumb... You have to ask yourself whats next... I have friends like Sheena who tell me "I'm Living Through You" and the only thought that's going through my head is HOW AM I LIVING... Now here I am approaching my 30th birthday trying to raise a 16yr old and when my friends ask me WHY all I can say is when I was 16 someone believed in me, someone pushed me, someone allowed me to dream & she deserves that same opportunity. I am a risk taker to the fullest if I like I will eventually love it, I go into things whole heartily so my five year plan lets just say I'm going to have to cut some loose ends but the DREAM CHASING will never end...


L.Janell